Moon

I have to admit

I am not a person who stops on the street

Usually not , at-least

I don’t let “it” infiltrate my life

Stopping makes me dive in deep

Feel

Wallow in sorrow

The pain can be consuming

So,

I don’t stop

. . .

But you

. . .

You made me stop

It was your eyes

They were the saddest eyes

I have ever seen

They were sadder then mine

I couldn’t walk past

It felt like we lived on the dark side of the Moon

When we were in our bubble

I don’t know who saved who

When the moon went into flames

Fight

I have learned only one thing.

That I cannot exist without you

That I cannot , breath without you

That the man I am without you . . .

I am nothing

I’m nothing without you

And you are everything

And I need you to give me another chance

I demand another chance

We are worth another chance

Would you give In?

Betrayal

Don’t let it ruin you .

Deal with depth .

Fight for love .

And don’t give up . Don’t let it ruin you .

When you or someone you love , make a mistake .

Make a Connection .

That has a rippling effect of fear , tears and pain .

Your initial instinct ?

Is it to

Limit fear , tears and pain through ….

Obscurity .

Distancing yourself .

Forgetting .

Hiding truth , skimming through reality .

And you make it a while , you get by with the lies. You get really good at it , so good in fact you start believing in them yourself .

And in that moment .

Of peace .

Tranquility.

The bill is served .

The truth ?

In this process you lose meaning .

Distracting yourself from grasping the emotional implications of such a disdainful and negligent act.

Becoming too self-oriented and egotistical to even comprehend the existence of such an entity as altruism or selflessness.

With each layer unfolding , you convince yourself and just your actions .

What is an individual’s motive to live, to strive, to survive, if he continues to deteriorate?

But the only way to deal with depth . . .

Is to come clean .

Its not the mistake that ended us.

The mistake is nothing , but what killed us

Is that you never told me the truth.

It’s that you made me believe in a lie.

It’s the lie.

Letting me believe in the lie.

You think the only one that will suffer is you.

But when you get the check.

And you’ve run up the bill.

You realize the value.

Betrayal always has a price.

Are you willing to pay it?

Don’t let it ruin you

01/21

-Whitney .

Too Lust Love

Too lust love

When you find out the best thing that ever happened to you was build on a lie ,

well

it’s like building a house on quicksand …

sooner or later it all falls apart.

Maybe it was the knowing that there’s going to be an end , that made it count. Just a little bit more .

Bitter – sweet.

Everything ends

Love , fear and happiness.

Can you name the single most malignant symptom of terminal cancer ?

Hope

For change.

When it hurts so much , you can’t breath .

The feeling I use to describe you

Do you remember asking me how I knew I loved you ?

⁃ I distinctly remeber answering ,

⁃ It was the thin line between hate and love for me .

That’s how I knew

And I know , radical ? Right ? Describing love with an equal ration to hate .

Bizarre, maybe?

But I stick to it …

Will stick to it …

You know your truly in love with someone when their smile heals your heart .

When the gentle touch , takes away all worries .

When their presence makes you feel like , you don’t need air to breath .

When the thought of them not doing everything possible for their own benefit infuriates you .

When you think of their grasp for air and heartbeat first .

And you hate them for it .

Because the amount of love you have for them doesn’t fit inside your heart .

And it hurts , pushing and dismantling your vessels .

That’s that hate and love ratio.

….

What happens when suddenly the circulation to your heart gets cut off .

For me , it was a wave

A flow or shift in life . For that moment.

My body went cold

numb

stuck

……..

In disbelief, grief .. mourning my nourishment .

But you have to survive !

Move forward

Fight ,

My fight is not over it’s only beginning

I

I am

….

A

Steel magnolia

I have

Je Ne sais quoi

Without you

I am whole , I rebuild the pieces you stole from me

I made me better

The way I loved you was consuming

It is the

Misunderstanding of love

What it meant

That teaches you

To love

To lust love

To be loved

To be

Broken and rebuild

Misunderstood

Destroyed

Left too re assemble

Your “ Lust” left behind rough edges

Waves of force in the pacific

Hitting me at a thousand miles per minute

Gasping for air

Suddenly the past met future

I told myself

I wouldn’t even go to your funeral because I’ve already

Mourned your death

But the truth is

Creativity and madness often go hand in hand

So I chose difficulty

Your love . Intoxication rather , is deeply rooted ,

I’ve craved and wanted superficiality . Pushing against norms .

Have I learnt ?

Have I overcome ?

Will I prosper ?

Questions I ask myself daily

has this experience made me

… me ….

have I had enough of a lesson

Frankly

I’m ready to be

Just To be

Me

It’s not narcissism it’s pain

It isn’t narcissism it’s pain .

Is there a guarantee to a good life ? A promise?

If you follow the word , and obey the book , isint there a gurantee … to a good life .

A life with no troubles , a smooth path to fulfillment , with happiness , and health and all your dreams, desires .

What happens to the people who follow , belief , preach ,

Follow , belief , preach

Follow , belief and preach

In the good and in the bad .

Believe in the tears regardless of origin .

What happens when that person breaks .

When something so terrible happens that your follow , belief and preach breaks.

How do you follow the word after you see innocent children being slaughtered.

How do you have faith in the belief when some get to live and some have to die.

How do you preach when you no longer see the power to the preach , no longer can assimilate.

Your whole life you follow , study , practice and preach .

Do every single thing that is asked of you .

You expect a gurantee

But where was the promise ?

Where was the gurantee ?

Where is it written exactly that if you follow these rules your life will be guaranteed ….

No where , in any faith .

So one day , when you come to the realization that there is no gurantee … what do you do .

Break

Crumble into pieces

Start living only for yourself and doing only what you see fit

Not worrrying about the consequences

Not worrying about the repricussions

Some call it narcissism

“ selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as a characterizing personality trait . ”

Terrible things happen , we don’t get to know why

And it changes us

If you cant live without knowing why , you start to eat away at yourself , piece by piece .

Some call it narcissism, but I think it’s pain .

Unimaginable pain

Faith would not be faith if you only belief when things are good

“Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice , and if they lived lives like that why should ours be different.”

By

Whitney Ifeanyi

I wish I would Have Listened To My Gut

One day your afraid of dying

And the next , your afraid you’ll live

You know

It’s the unknown that haunts me

Overthinking and replaying scenarios like a deck of cards .

I dissect concepts like

Do five minutes of happiness justify a year of pain ?

Or … do… ten memories exuse a lifetime ?

Toxicicity lies in human desire they say

Fault

Drive

Deceitfulness

Mischief

Absence

Cycling pain

But

There are moments that feel like poetry

The moments

When I lie awake at night

Replaying our story of love on a loop

The firsts

The last

Moments

Seconds

Of our divine , heaven made , soulmate twisted , love affair .

The way you can’t let me go

And the way I don’t want you too

Dreams and promises

Fluffed to perfection

Overthinking became my day job

And insomnia began to rule the night.

I guess ….

I was afraid of letting go the dreams I have created… even for a minute.

Afraid they’ll fly away

You took away a piece of me

Something I have always trusted

Your exquisite lies

Packaged too perfection

Made me doubt myself

Doubt my gut

The one thing that never failed me

My gut once asked me if

You

Made me feel secure

Safe ?

Comforted ?

And then it told me … early on

It . told . me.

There are two reasons why this man makes you crave security , makes you feel uneasy .

Either he makes you feel safe and showes up for you when you need him most .

Which makes the thought of loosing him mournful

Or he is the absolute worse person for you and you need to run .

Maybe that’s why I got so good at the day dreaming.

After all I convinced my self that you were one when you were always two

Uncertainty ruled my world

I wished I would have listened to my gut.

But now , I’ve found it and don’t plan on losing it anytime soon.

Atleast

Atleast until the next

Story of love

By

Whitney Ifeanyi

01/21

I Wish I Would Have Listened To My Gut

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