Spoken Word Written , a glance into my mind!
I have to admit
I am not a person who stops on the street
Usually not , at-least
I don’t let “it” infiltrate my life
Stopping makes me dive in deep
Feel
Wallow in sorrow
The pain can be consuming
So,
I don’t stop
. . .
But you
. . .
You made me stop
It was your eyes
They were the saddest eyes
I have ever seen
They were sadder then mine
I couldn’t walk past
It felt like we lived on the dark side of the Moon
When we were in our bubble
I don’t know who saved who
When the moon went into flames
“
I have learned only one thing.
That I cannot exist without you
That I cannot , breath without you
That the man I am without you . . .
I am nothing
I’m nothing without you
And you are everything
And I need you to give me another chance
I demand another chance
We are worth another chance
”
Would you give In?
Don’t let it ruin you .
Deal with depth .
Fight for love .
And don’t give up . Don’t let it ruin you .
When you or someone you love , make a mistake .
Make a Connection .
That has a rippling effect of fear , tears and pain .
Your initial instinct ?
Is it to
Limit fear , tears and pain through ….
Obscurity .
Distancing yourself .
Forgetting .
Hiding truth , skimming through reality .
And you make it a while , you get by with the lies. You get really good at it , so good in fact you start believing in them yourself .
And in that moment .
Of peace .
Tranquility.
The bill is served .
The truth ?
In this process you lose meaning .
Distracting yourself from grasping the emotional implications of such a disdainful and negligent act.
Becoming too self-oriented and egotistical to even comprehend the existence of such an entity as altruism or selflessness.
With each layer unfolding , you convince yourself and just your actions .
What is an individual’s motive to live, to strive, to survive, if he continues to deteriorate?
But the only way to deal with depth . . .
Is to come clean .
Its not the mistake that ended us.
The mistake is nothing , but what killed us
Is that you never told me the truth.
It’s that you made me believe in a lie.
It’s the lie.
Letting me believe in the lie.
You think the only one that will suffer is you.
But when you get the check.
And you’ve run up the bill.
You realize the value.
Betrayal always has a price.
Are you willing to pay it?
Don’t let it ruin you
01/21
-Whitney .
Too lust love
When you find out the best thing that ever happened to you was build on a lie ,
well
it’s like building a house on quicksand …
sooner or later it all falls apart.
Maybe it was the knowing that there’s going to be an end , that made it count. Just a little bit more .
Bitter – sweet.
Everything ends
Love , fear and happiness.
…
Can you name the single most malignant symptom of terminal cancer ?
…
Hope
For change.
When it hurts so much , you can’t breath .
The feeling I use to describe you
Do you remember asking me how I knew I loved you ?
⁃ I distinctly remeber answering ,
⁃ It was the thin line between hate and love for me .
That’s how I knew
And I know , radical ? Right ? Describing love with an equal ration to hate .
Bizarre, maybe?
But I stick to it …
Will stick to it …
You know your truly in love with someone when their smile heals your heart .
When the gentle touch , takes away all worries .
When their presence makes you feel like , you don’t need air to breath .
When the thought of them not doing everything possible for their own benefit infuriates you .
When you think of their grasp for air and heartbeat first .
And you hate them for it .
Because the amount of love you have for them doesn’t fit inside your heart .
And it hurts , pushing and dismantling your vessels .
…
That’s that hate and love ratio.
….
What happens when suddenly the circulation to your heart gets cut off .
For me , it was a wave
A flow or shift in life . For that moment.
My body went cold
numb
stuck
……..
In disbelief, grief .. mourning my nourishment .
But you have to survive !
Move forward
Fight ,
My fight is not over it’s only beginning
I
I am
….
A
Steel magnolia
I have
Je Ne sais quoi
Without you
I am whole , I rebuild the pieces you stole from me
I made me better
The way I loved you was consuming
It is the
Misunderstanding of love
What it meant
That teaches you
To love
To lust love
To be loved
To be
Broken and rebuild
Misunderstood
Destroyed
Left too re assemble
Your “ Lust” left behind rough edges
Waves of force in the pacific
Hitting me at a thousand miles per minute
Gasping for air
Suddenly the past met future
I told myself
I wouldn’t even go to your funeral because I’ve already
Mourned your death
But the truth is
Creativity and madness often go hand in hand
So I chose difficulty
Your love . Intoxication rather , is deeply rooted ,
I’ve craved and wanted superficiality . Pushing against norms .
Have I learnt ?
Have I overcome ?
Will I prosper ?
Questions I ask myself daily
…
has this experience made me
… me ….
have I had enough of a lesson
Frankly
I’m ready to be
Just To be
Me
It isn’t narcissism it’s pain .
Is there a guarantee to a good life ? A promise?
If you follow the word , and obey the book , isint there a gurantee … to a good life .
A life with no troubles , a smooth path to fulfillment , with happiness , and health and all your dreams, desires .
What happens to the people who follow , belief , preach ,
Follow , belief , preach
Follow , belief and preach
In the good and in the bad .
Believe in the tears regardless of origin .
What happens when that person breaks .
When something so terrible happens that your follow , belief and preach breaks.
How do you follow the word after you see innocent children being slaughtered.
How do you have faith in the belief when some get to live and some have to die.
How do you preach when you no longer see the power to the preach , no longer can assimilate.
Your whole life you follow , study , practice and preach .
Do every single thing that is asked of you .
You expect a gurantee
But where was the promise ?
Where was the gurantee ?
Where is it written exactly that if you follow these rules your life will be guaranteed ….
No where , in any faith .
So one day , when you come to the realization that there is no gurantee … what do you do .
Break
Crumble into pieces
Start living only for yourself and doing only what you see fit
Not worrrying about the consequences
Not worrying about the repricussions
Some call it narcissism
“ selfishness, involving a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration, as a characterizing personality trait . ”
Terrible things happen , we don’t get to know why
And it changes us
If you cant live without knowing why , you start to eat away at yourself , piece by piece .
Some call it narcissism, but I think it’s pain .
Unimaginable pain
Faith would not be faith if you only belief when things are good
“Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice , and if they lived lives like that why should ours be different.”
By
Whitney Ifeanyi
One day your afraid of dying
And the next , your afraid you’ll live
You know
It’s the unknown that haunts me
Overthinking and replaying scenarios like a deck of cards .
I dissect concepts like
Do five minutes of happiness justify a year of pain ?
Or … do… ten memories exuse a lifetime ?
Toxicicity lies in human desire they say
Fault
Drive
Deceitfulness
Mischief
Absence
Cycling pain
But
There are moments that feel like poetry
The moments
When I lie awake at night
Replaying our story of love on a loop
The firsts
The last
Moments
Seconds
Of our divine , heaven made , soulmate twisted , love affair .
The way you can’t let me go
And the way I don’t want you too
Dreams and promises
Fluffed to perfection
Overthinking became my day job
And insomnia began to rule the night.
I guess ….
I was afraid of letting go the dreams I have created… even for a minute.
Afraid they’ll fly away
You took away a piece of me
Something I have always trusted
Your exquisite lies
Packaged too perfection
Made me doubt myself
Doubt my gut
The one thing that never failed me
My gut once asked me if
You
Made me feel secure
Safe ?
Comforted ?
And then it told me … early on
It . told . me.
There are two reasons why this man makes you crave security , makes you feel uneasy .
Either he makes you feel safe and showes up for you when you need him most .
Which makes the thought of loosing him mournful
Or he is the absolute worse person for you and you need to run .
Maybe that’s why I got so good at the day dreaming.
After all I convinced my self that you were one when you were always two
Uncertainty ruled my world
I wished I would have listened to my gut.
But now , I’ve found it and don’t plan on losing it anytime soon.
Atleast
Atleast until the next
Story of love
By
Whitney Ifeanyi
01/21
I Wish I Would Have Listened To My Gut
